Starting From Scratch

It’s easy to meet people when you move abroad.

It’s much harder to feel like you’ve found your crowd.

The 4am conversation

This came up in a conversation last week, one of those 4am conversations that probably involved a few too many drinks.

A friend of mine was saying how he’s finding it difficult here.

When he speaks to his friends back home, they all say the same thing, how it looks like he’s having the best time, always out, always doing something.

But his experience feels different.

He goes out a lot and meets loads of new faces, but still feels like he hasn’t quite found his circle yet. Or at least, not enough close connections.

To be fair, he’s only been here about two months, so it’s part of the process where you’re busy all the time, but don’t quite feel settled yet.

And then another friend, who’s been here for over a year, was saying something similar.

Even though she moved here with her boyfriend, she still found it quite lonely trying to build her own friendships and figure out her place here.

And the more we spoke about it, the more it felt like we were all just describing the same thing in different ways.

You hear it from everyone

It doesn’t really matter how long you’ve been here.

Every time I go to events, you meet individuals at all different stages of life here, and somehow the conversation always circles back to the same thing, whether someone has just moved here or has been here a decade, everyone is still meeting new people and putting themselves out there.

Which I find quite interesting, because back in England I would never have done that.

I already had my group. I was settled. I wouldn’t have felt the need to go out of my way to meet anyone new, and I definitely wouldn’t have gone to something like that on my own.

No one here really ‘settles’.

And I think that’s because a lot of expats don’t feel like they’ve fully found their place yet.

So they keep going to events.
They keep meeting new people.
They keep trying.

No one really prepares you for it

And I don’t think anyone really prepares you for that part.

Because on Instagram it looks like you’re building this amazing life where you’re always doing something and constantly surrounded by others.

And to be fair, a lot of the time that’s true, you’re busy socialising, travelling around and it really does feel like a great life.

But a lot of it is still done on your own, and that’s something you don’t really think about before you move.

The “best life” moments might look full, but they’re often quite independent, and you’re kind of figuring it all out as you go.

You don’t really have those default friendships around you, the ones you can call without thinking or the ones who just get you straight away, so everything can feel a bit temporary while you’re still building that.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it can feel uncomfortable at times, especially when you realise you’re essentially starting again in a completely different place.

And I think that’s the part most underestimate.

Getting used to your own company

Still, I think there’s something quite special in that.

When you don’t have your usual circle around you, you don’t really have a choice but to get used to your own company. You end up doing more things on your own and spending more time in your own head.

And over time, that becomes something you actually start to value.

There’s a real beauty in it.

With my experience of living abroad, I’ve actually found I really enjoy that part of it. I love moving somewhere new where I know no one and nothing, and just building it up from scratch.

That being said, it wasn’t always like that.

The first time I moved abroad, I definitely found it harder than I expected. Even if things seem to fall into place quickly, it doesn’t always mean they feel right long term.

But over time, it’s become something I don’t really think about anymore. Starting over doesn’t feel daunting in the same way, it just feels normal.

You figure out what you actually enjoy, without outside influence, and what you want your days to look like.

It’s not always comfortable, but it does become easier.

You get more confident in your own space and a lot less reliant on other people to fill your time.

It’s all part of it

I ended up saying to my friend that living abroad is kind of like going through uni again.

At the start, you meet loads of new faces. You’re always out, always saying yes to things.

But not everyone you meet is going to be your person.

You kind of have to filter through the beer buddy friendships before you find the ones that actually stick.

And that just takes time.

I think that’s the part that’s easy to forget when you’re in it, especially when it feels like everyone else has already figured it out.

But in reality, most people are still figuring it out too.

So for now, it’s just about taking it as it comes.

Enjoying the social side and trusting that the right ones will fall into place eventually.

With Love from Saigon,

Anaïs

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